bethanyneedham@hotmail.com if you need anything, or have questions for me, but its time to shift into a written journal between God and myself! Thanks to those who ever read this<3
January 2,2010
“Abide in Me…”
God’s Words have been repeating in my head again and again as I look into this new year, and ponder those things I want to be different…those things I want to grow in! I want to learn what it means to abide each day, to where its just how I live, not a fight each day to get back to again and again!
Today has been a really beautiful day, with snow falling, and a peaceful spirit resting upon this home! After cleaning up, and filling our tummies with a warm lunch, the kids and I trudged our way through the snow up to the hill playground, and after much sliding time, we explored through the woods and eventually back to our building! Little legs apparently equals little energy since halfway back both kids decided they could not go a step further! With a little encouraging, and a ton of creative chasing games we were able to get back without mommy having to carry any extra cargo:)!
Both kids now are snuggled in their blankets, juice bottles in hand, as we watch another of mommy’s favorites “Fly Away Home”. So, today I stop and give thanks for what I am very much grateful for this day, my beautiful, amazing, at times hilarious children Josiah and Mercy:)!
2009-2010
Its come around again, another year passed and another one beginning! The older I get the more this time becomes less about staying up to watch them drop a ginormous ball way slower than a real ball of that magnitude would actually fall, and more about my own thoughts wandering over the past year, good and bad, while contemplating the year to come and what could be, might be, should be, and “will be”.
Last Year:
I moved from Northborough to Westborough and in process purged 70% of our belongings
I took part in raising funds for those less fortunate around the world through “One Day”
I went on my first mission’s trip to Haiti, and had my whole world shaken when my eyes were finally opened
I spent a summer with my kids and grew to love them even more
I left my job and am staying home with my kids full time
I began seeing a Christian counsellor and learned a lot about myself that made things make more sense
I celebrated 7 years of marriage and recognized God’s faithfulness in growing our love despite our mistakes!
I made a lot of plans, committed to a lot of things and failed most of the time
I laughed a lot, and cried hard
I saw my 26th birthday
Next Year I hope…
I will learn what it truly means to abide
I will allow God to be God and not keep trying on His shoes
I will impact my world for Christ
I will be the hands and feet of Jesus not the mouthpiece
I will put love in motion and help those in need, the poor and the hurting, both overseas as well as right in my town
I will talk less and listen more
I will lay my judgements down
I will not run from pain but trust God to move in the midst of it, and allow refining fire to do its work
i will be a wife who loves her husband, and builds him up<3
i will be a mom whose children knows the love of God by how their mommy loves them
i will be a friend that sticks closer than a brother and encourages with every word
I will reach 2011 know more of God
Headed to CT
So, the end of the year is here, and with such an eventful year about to be behind us, and an exciting year ahead I am headed to CT for some R&R as well as some good study time! I have decided not to bring my laptop, or be online at all while I am away so this will be it for this year’s blogs!
What has stood out to me this year above all else, if I had to choose, would be God’s faithfulness! I am in awe looking back and seeing His hand at work in things I could not understand while I was in the midst, and for those things I still cannot fully understand I hold onto His promise to always be faithful and know whats best! I am in this moment, so excited for what He has for myself, my husband, my children, and our family this next year, and won’t even try and imagine what’s ahead!
So a Very Merry Christmas to any and all who might read this, and may God’s faithfulness be in your thoughts as well as we begin a new year!!
“Prodigal God”
I have begun my second reading of “The Prodigal God”, and in just one chapter I was brought right back to the center…its not about religion, or even about “non religion but is really ALL about Jesus! I am really excited for this study, and realize even at the very beginning how timely this is for me:)!
It is the Holiday season, usually one of my favorite times of the year, and up this past week I must confess I have not “gotten into it” as I have in years past. Maybe its the lack of Christmas decor in my apartment this year, or maybe its the “storm” that we have been weathering around us, or most likely its that I have been focusing far too much on all these things, and not enough on why this is an amazing season of celebration, and that Jesus is worth celebrating regardless of circumstances! What a great jump into celebrating my Savior by taking these next months to study His life, and why He came to earth to die!
Feeling It
I have been told quite a few times these past couple of months that I need to “feel my feelings”. God created me with emotions, and though I thought I understood that, I have spent a significant amount of time learning to hide, push aside, deny, shift those feelings I was ashamed of, or felt could cause confrontation. I am that “smile and nod” girl when it comes to things that really hurt me or tick me off. So much so, I have spent a significant amount of time hearing from those who don’t know me incredible well, and some who do, “I can’t even imagine you being mad”.
Now, I have always seen this as a strength of mine, the ability to hold back one’s anger or hurt, however I have realized in recent months that in denying the feelings, pushing it down and not actually dealing (by dealing I don’t mean a throw down everytime something is upsetting:) I was not disolving the emotion but only building it up inside!
So, the wisdom I have been handed as simple as it seems, is to “feel my feelings”, to acknowledge my hurt when hurt is there, and acknowledge my anger when anger is there. Not necessarily “in the moment” since thats not always the best time, but take the time to deal rather than push down!
Last night was a big moment for me in this, as I sat in a church meeting, that was in itself an amazing God moment, and for whatever reason God began to work in an older wound that through recent digging was quite open that night. Six months ago, I would have pushed it lower and capped it quick, but all I could think about was that line “feel your feelings”, and so I left that meeting (again that moment would not have been the appropriate place:) called my best friend, and allowed myself to just cry! The only words I knew to explain my tears were “it just hurts inside…a lot”.
It was in that moment, that I experienced God. I felt a little piece of that pain let go, and a little bit of healing take place! Not from words spoken between my friend and I, though she was a great encouragement, but from not running the other direction from the hurt, or pushing it down so as not to feel it. I think I have honestly thought if I let myself feel it again, and acknowledged its existence, even now, it would come back and consume me…but I can say I feel the opposite of consumed or hopeless this morning…I feel free…not free from pain but free to hurt, and as strange as it may sound that’s such a better place than I imagined it would be!
Shut it
I know the subject seems inappropriate, however I hear things best sometimes when they are said to the point! As I have continued in my quiets times, and they have continued to be focused in and around this “refining fire” I have been facing things in my life that need a lot of refining. Some of the things that the light has been shining on are things that really just needing to be wripped up by the roots, and cast out of my life! “Loose lips” is something that is a real struggle for me. In certain settings, with certain people, and most often when caffeine is involved I am a talker. I could just go on and on about nothing, and most time though I attempt to sound “wise beyond my years”, or think what I have to say is something that has to be heard I am really just “talking out my bum” as a good friend once described it! (yes another inappropriate line but really does describe my speech well)
So this morning as I have been considering this once again, and convicted by conversations I have had, or embarrassed by things I have said just to say something, I recognize the danger in this struggle, and the desperate need I have to deal with this issue before I do more harm! Recently I have read a few statements in scripture regarding things we desperately need to “chase after” or “pursue”, and thinking about what it means to be intentional and proactive I realized thats how I NEED to be with this struggle! I need to intentionally shut my mouth! I need to listen, and hear much of what i have been missing in all my talking! This is going to be incredibly difficult to shift in myself, and I am not sure what it will look like since I have always been a talker…
So Lord, I ask that you give wisdom where wisdom is so desperately needed, discernment where it is lacking, and grace where I fall short.Show me the steps to pursue a mouth that is honoring to You, and loving to others!!
Tis the Season
“Godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.” 1 Timothy 6:6-8
“Whatever our game is, we will lose consistently if we have to win”
“It is stress driven slavery to always have something to prove”
In thinking about peace, and contentment today I found these quotes in a devotional I was reading. Christmas time is a difficult time of year to experience contentment even for the least of materialists. It seems like every television add, every billboard, every radio commercial, and even “sale signs” within the grocery store are designed to increase that hunger for “MORE”.
This year has been different than any other year that I can remember in that we made the decision (based on us going away for Christmas) not to decorate with a tree and lights, and all the other things we normally put up! It has got me thinking about my own heart in this season, and the experience this season is for my children. I don’t want to pass on the tradition of stress and discontentment to my children that I confess I have gotten all to wrapped up in…I want this season to truly be something we celebrate, rejoice, and enjoy together based on the “reason for the season”…the birth of our Savior, and the reminder in it to share with those around us, the joy and hope and contentment we have in Jesus!!
Now its one thing to say, but what exactly that looks like I am not sure! I need to do some searching and praying over what things I can do to shift things in my home!
